The Double Helix

Dedication

This book is a precursor to Shawn McCraney's Marriage Mentoring Approach. Shawn mentors believing couples in marriage with children with a structured program based on the principles in this book.

Most men will give time and attention to what they truly love and adore; most woman will give time and attention to what they truly respect and admire.  Husbands, love your wives and wives respect your husbands. Get this right and you can throw this book away.

Shawn Aaron McCraney

To believing couples that have children . . . of any age.

Many thanks to Mary, my wife of forty years, my three daughters, Mallory, Cassidy and Delaney, my parents, in-laws, sons-in-laws and grandchildren for proving to me through their own choices the absolute value of marriage, family and working through the most difficult of issues to keep the union intact. Thank you all for your work.

Introduction: The Double Helix

I’ve written this short book as a thumbnail introduction to what I call, the “Marriage-Mentoring Approach.” (MMA) There are some ironic, even paradoxical comparisons that exist in this abbreviation as there is another group (far more popular worldwide) that goes by the same initials but theirs stands for “mixed martial arts.”

If you are unaware, the mixed martial arts organization hosts, promotes and sponsors men and women who choose to enter into a closed-off arena, face an opponent, and use their various skills, strength and abilities to, well, win – which typically comes by knock out, submission, taping out, judges score or when one opponent is technically incapable of defending themselves.

We cannot help but note the similarities is talking about marriage, which from the Creation consists of two individuals (and never more) willingly entering the arena of matrimony and in the end, learning to fight – all in an effort to battle for their families survival.  The noted psychologist, M Scott Peck, wrote that there are two reasons people marry.  First, to create an environment to bring children into the world and second, for conflict. Friction.  

In mixed martial arts there is obviously no raising of children, but there is the conflict.  And for the mixed martial artist, the only way to truly test his or her metal and skill is to willingly engage in warfare by getting into the ring and facing the opposition directly.  But there are rules of engagement that have been adopted by the MMA to help mitigate physical impairment and potential death.  Sometimes these things are inevitable in a sport where two fighters enter the octagon with the soul intention of knocking their opponent out with prejudice.  The rules are enforced by a referee who attentively observes the fighters so that their careers, and lives, don’t end then and there.   

So, it is with the Marriage-Mentoring Approach as I insinuate myself into a struggling couples relationship and do everything possible to see that their marriage, and therefore their family unit, does not end but to also help them see the value of two sometimes opposing forces coming together as one.  

My purpose is to first make sure that in the throes of marital conflict the rules are adhered to and both participants are protected and thriving when the impasse, no matter how arduous, passes.  Because they can all pass if approached right.

Interestingly, in mixed martial arts there is no leaving the octagon once a warrior steps inside; no escaping the battle that they have agreed to enter. A warrior could give up, climb over the chain link sides but in that world the damage to their reputation and career would be devastating. Therefore, when a warrior makes the very personal decision to enter that ring, that terrifying place of hand to hand combat, the only way a warrior will continue to be seen as a warrior, and be respected, and honored, is if they stay right in there and fight.  In the mixed martial arts world, surrender is tantamount to shame, weakness and cowardice.  

What is interesting is in mixed martial arts loss is permissible, getting knocked out is understandable, but waving the white flag and walking away from a challenge will always lead to nothing but shame, guilt, embarrassment.  What is truly unfortunate, however, is that in the marital area, which is the single most important union in the health of a nation, society and each individual family, walking away and surrendering is almost a non-event and is even respected paradoxically as brave.  In other words, our world will ridicule a man in an octagon for surrendering in the face of his opponent but in something far more important – marriage with children – the very same man is given a pass when he walks from the fight and sometimes even praised.

We want to help explain why the decision to surrender in a marriage with children is a monumental mistake and we are here to try and explain why remaining in the fight is worth more than winning a world championship in any other field.  See, marriage is a fight, of sorts, a conflict, a wearing-away of all the all the superfluous edges and attitudes that stand in the way of individual maturation.  But there are rules.  And there are acquired skills that take time, patience, and suffering to learn and acquire.  Sometimes people break the rules in a marital encounter.  Sometimes we do damage intended and not but that is part of the natural exchange as two people, of different backgrounds and genetic make-ups, choose to unite as one.  In the end, and in the name of love for the children, the participants must learn to temporarily suffer and to remain in that ring, until a reasonable, living, loving solution presents itself and is embraced.

My name is Shawn McCraney.  I am a never (ever) denominational pastor/teacher residing in Salt Lake City, Utah.  I understand the importance of marriage after four decades of marital highs and lows while advising hundreds of people and dozens of believing couples (with children) who were on the verge of surrendering their union.  Like a responsible referee I know the rules of engagement, and I know what works, what doesn’t work and what will destroy a couple’s children.  I’ve seen it first-hand for nearly fifty years.  It’s not pretty.

The Marriage Mentor Approach is not founded on all the old marriage and family therapy approaches.  We come to the table with fresh often unnoticed reference to some deeply imbedded scriptural principles which once understood help explain the import of the two becoming one and once children arrive, the two remaining one.  

I have delt first-hand with adultery, physical, emotional and spiritual abuse, substance abuse, incest, pedophilia, sexual deviancies and depravities, anger, controlling personalities, murder, imprisonment, irreconcilable differences, financial mismanagement, boundless debt, coldness, sexual disfunction, insatiability, joblessness, depression, psychosis and mental illness in marriage.  There are solutions available when children are involved; in our opinion all demand solutions when children are involved.

This book will help you, the reader, to begin to understand where I come from in the MMA and might offer you enough insight to govern yourself.  You may discover that knowing the approach, and being exposed to sound principles, is not enough and that perhaps you and your spouse might want to schedule time to sit down with me remotely and engage.  Whatever it is, and whatever you decide, allow me to conclude this brief introduction with this:

If you and your spouse have created children together, have adopted children together, or have children in your home from different marriages, DO NOT DIVORCE.  We know that there are always exceptions to every rule, but for the time being, try and hear these three words – DO NOT DIVORCE.  Remain in the marital octagon, learn the principles and rules of engagement, and start to rebuild, rather than destroy, the single most important thing you will ever have in your lives – your family.  Divorce and family are almost mutually exclusive.  Again, there are examples, apparently, where couples can divorce and the family just seems to thrive.  But in my estimation this is a façade and the reality of the damage might not surface until the couple is long dead and gone.  Fighting it out, struggling, working to wrestle with each other, no matter what the problems might be can take all terrible things and ultimately make them better.

So get in the ring and don’t look back.